DRAFT 1
Our firm has trained over 10,000 corporate and government employees in project management skills. We have assisted more than 100 companies with some 600 events and projects through planning, coordination, facilitation, and coaching by the most highly rated, credentialed, and experienced consultants in the profession. In essence, we have connected businesses with their clients through a disciplined approach to continuous improvement, saving our clients millions of dollars by efficiently deploying human, capital, and real resources.
Draft 1 needs some work. Even though its sentences are clear, they it focuses on the firm and not its clients. In effect, the most important point from the key reader's perspective, namely, how the reader will benefit from employing the firm, is buried under meaningless data. Draft 2 shows a more effective way to transmit the same information for greater reader interest and retention.
DRAFT 2
Our firm has saved clients millions of dollars by efficiently deploying human, capital, and real resources by connecting businesses with their clients through a disciplined approach to continuous improvement. We have trained over 10,000 corporate and government employees in project management skills, and we have assisted more than 100 companies with some 600 events and projects through planning, coordination, facilitation, and coaching. Our consultants are the most highly rated, credentialed, and experienced in the profession.
Before choosing sentence structure and vocabulary, we should decide what is the most important information for our readers—and start there.
