Begin with the Most Important Point

The tip “begin with the most important point” from my book The Art of E-Mail Writing has been useful for many of my clients. Suppose you wrote in first draft the following sentence:

If we do not have an extra laptop and when the three rush jobs come into the office simultaneously while we are revising the employee handbook for the company-wide orientation program, which is an executive priority, then, because we will not have sufficient equipment even though we have the needed staff, we may not meet the client deadlines.

Phew! I’m still hyperventilating from reading that one! Even if this 58-word sentence finally makes sense to you, it will have lost all its impact by the time you figure it out. Where is the most important point? At the end—so start there!

We may not meet client deadlines without an extra laptop, even though we have the needed staff. Our office cannot process the three rush jobs on time while meeting the executive priority of revising the employee handbook for the company-wide orientation program.

Notice the decreased word count, now 42 words, and the more powerful word usage—all because you’ve begun with the most important point!

Keep the Subject and Verb Closely Connected

When the subject and verb of your sentence are far apart, you’ll surely cause your reader’s head to spin in a sea of confusion. In the examples below, observe the word count in each sample is identical (34 words), yet the second draft is far clearer. That’s because the subject and verb (italicized) are closely connected.

Unclear: When an employee applies for a new position in the Company, factors such as professional credentials, employee appraisals, manager and peer recommendation, project involvement, training completed, educational achievement, and interview responses must be considered.

Clearer: When an employee applies for a new position in the Company, management must consider all factors, including professional credentials, employee appraisals, manager and peer recommendation, project involvement, training completed, educational achievement, and interview responses.

In Politics, What’s the Point in Getting to the Point?

Here’s a quote from the you’ve-got-to-laugh-at-this-one files. Before Senator Hillary Clinton suspended her presidential campaign, this is how she responded to a question about challenging the seating of maverick delegates from Michigan and Florida in the Democratic primary: “Well, we are going to look at that and make a determination at some point. But I haven’t made any decision at this time” (New York Times, June 2, 2008, page A1).

A more concise statement would have been “We will decide, but not now.”—from 24 words to 6 words. But such is the stuff of politics.

Powerful Points from "Style", Part 7

Joseph M. Williams begins his last of ten lessons in Style: Ten Lessons in Clarity and Grace with a clever German proverb: Loquacity and lying are cousins.

The examples he uses in this lesson, which focuses on the ethical obligations of the writer, are both instructive and compelling. For instance, in a dispute, should we report by blaming the conflict on the bickering parties or on the historical circumstances in which they find themselves? Is intentional obfuscation ever the right thing to do? Williams explores these and other questions with a clarity and grace of his own.


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