Paragraphing Powerfully

The writer of the paragraph below is Jan, a safety technician, and the reader is Lee, a safety director and Jan's manager. As you read it, look for the most important phrase in the paragraph from the reader's perspective.

Draft 1

Lee,

I performed a safety inspection of the north building today. When I entered Stairwell B on the first floor at 18:52, I smelled gas. As I climbed the stairs, the smell grew increasingly stronger until I reached the third floor. There I found an unattended, filled 20-liter can of gasoline. The can was uncapped. The unused cap was lying beside the opened can. I asked Production Manager Kim Porter why the gas can lay open in the stairwell. Porter said she was unaware of why the can was opened and in the stairwell. I reminded her that she is responsible for the safe storage of flammable substances on the production floor, including the stairwell. I immediately capped the can, removed it from the building, and placed it in the north storage shed, remedying the fire hazard.

Jan 

That 136-word paragraph is logical—chronological. Everything from beginning to end happens sequentially. Nevertheless, an informed reader would say that the most important words in the paragraph are the last four, remedying the fire hazard. Let's rewrite that paragraph, starting not chronologically but hierarchically, with the most important point.

Draft 2

Lee,

At 18:52 today, I remedied a fire hazard in the north building. I found an unattended, uncapped, filled 20-liter gasoline can on the third floor of Stairwell B. The can emitted fumes noticeable on the first floor. The unused cap was lying beside the opened can. Production Manager Kim Porter did not know why the gas can lay open in the stairwell. I reminded Porter that she is responsible for the safe storage of flammable substances on the production floor, including the stairwell. I immediately capped the can, removed it from the building, and placed it in the north storage shed.

Jan 

By starting the message with the most important point, Jan achieves at least three reader benefits:

• Enables the busy director to stop reading after the first sentence. 
• Redirects ideas that are now embedded into the revised sentences (I performed a safety inspection of the north building today, As I climbed the stairs, the smell grew increasingly stronger until I reached the third floor, I asked Production Manager Kim Porter why the gas can lay opened in the stairwell).
• Reduces the word count from 136 to 101 words (26%). 

Starting paragraphs with their key words may not always create the suspense that fiction readers want to see, but this practice does work well in results-focused business and technical writing.