Here's another one from the I-Never-Told-You-That files. I believe we should not apologize for matters beyond our control. Let's say I lost electrical power for an extended period, as did most people from the Caribbean to northeastern Canada in October 2012. I would explain the reason, but not apologize, for not getting back to you sooner. People have incorrectly taken this position to mean "don't apologize."
Not true. I'm a big believer in apologizing for something we could have controlled, say an unintended but unwelcomed comment (we could have chosen different words), a late appearance (we could have begun our commute earlier), a late response (we could have communicated sooner), or a mistake (we could have been more careful). In fact, I urge people in my classes to apologize unconditionally when an apology is due. So what does an unconditional apology look like?
Let's start with what an unconditional apology does not look like:
- "I'm sorry, but ..." (Never follow an apology with a justification for a misdeed.
- "I'm sorry if you think ..." (I think? How dare you!)
An unconditional apology should have five parts, all beginning with the letter A:
- Assertion – The precise reason for your apology. ("I'm sorry I kept you waiting for five minutes before beginning the virtual meeting.")
- Acknowledgment – An explanation of why the offended party deserved better treatment. ("I know how important it was for all of us to be on time for the meeting.")
- Assurance – A promise to do better next time ("If I know I'm running late in the future, I'll text you to begin the meeting without me before I take an interrupting phone call.")
- Adjustment – An act or gesture compensating the offended party. ("As promised, I took your turn to write the attached meeting review.")
- Appreciation – An expression of gratitude for your relationship with the offended party. ("You manage meetings masterfully, so I look forward to the next one you run.")
Using the five A's of an apology will improve your relationships as a colleague, teammate, friend, sibling, parent, child, or relative. And those apologies will be more real when they are due.
