When it comes to speech, you often can take to the bank the adage, "It's not what you say; it's how you say it." We appreciate a beloved friend embracing us while boisterously askingasking, "How the hell are you?" or blurting even stronger expletives. We don't mind when a trusted advisor renders the harshest of criticisms: "You walked into that one ... You blew it this time ... You look awful." They're looking out for us. We consider those criticisms expressions of love.
Not so with writing. The most well-intentioned feedback by email can appear to the receiver like acerbic, maybe abominable, condemnation. A written message beginning with a dozen specific praises of someone's work performance followed by one minor observation for improvement can seem like a gratuitous attack.
Why does this attitude emerge invariably in writing but less so in speech? Five reasons immediately come to mind:
- Relationship – It's one thing getting a tough message from a respected teammate bit something entirely different getting one from an inconsequential vendor, distant client, argumentative peer, lackadaisical subordinate, or feared manager.
- Context – Once we press send, we should realize that our reader is not in the same place—both physically and emotionally—as we are. Our fast-paced environment might affect our tone; their quiet, isolated environment might affect theirs. We might be in a positive mood; they might be in a negative one.
- Visualization – We cannot see the person's facial expression as they deliver the criticism. We miss their slight smile of empathy, their lowered tone for gravity, their direct eye contact of supportiveness.
- Time – Someone says something to us and it's one and done. But the passage of time will help us see the tone of a written message in varied ways as we develop. That direct approach might soften or harden, depending on our perspective. That email we orginally interpreted as sweet may within a day or two seem soured by cynicism or sarcasm. One thing for sure: while spoken words may be forgotten, written ones will always be there as a reminder of the hurt.
- Interpretation – Most importantly, words connote different things to different people. I have gotten into trouble with people for using the nouns convert and situation, words whose negative connotation escapes me. Go figure. I consistently tell people in my writing classes that whether we like it or not, meaning comes from the reader, not the writer.
