Writing in Plain Language, Part 3: Heading and List Logic

Imagine receiving this excerpt of an audit report: 

Bankers, Inc. reconciliations are neither consistently timely nor accurate. Reconciliations require submission within 24 hours and execution with 100% accurately. Of 2,086 reconciliations, 98 were late (4.7%) and 109 were inaccurate (5.2%). 

Despite implementing a new procedure to safeguard against late and inaccurate reconciliations, the audit revealed internal controls remain poor, and shared responsibilities among different departments make checks difficult. 

These lapses may subject the auditee to IRS penalties, and run the risk of misappropriating receipts, exposing the firm to client lawsuits. 

Therefore, management should centralize reconciliations under the CFO, create greater redundancy in accuracy checks, document daily oversight, submit all reconciliations within 24 hours, submit all reconciliations with 100% accuracy, and resolve inaccurate reconciliations with the Bank within 30 days. Doing so will avoid IRS penalties, ensure proper appropriation of all funds, promote operational efficiency, and retain clients. 

Management should respond within five business days with an action plan on these six recommendations.We will conduct a follow-up audit on bank reconciliations within one month.

The logic of the narrative gets lost in the dense paragraph. Note this second draft, which has not changed an idea of the narrative.

Finding
Bankers, Inc. reconciliations are neither consistently timely nor accurate. Reconciliations require submission within 24 hours and execution with 100% accurately. Of 2,086 reconciliations, 98 were late (4.7%) and 109 were inaccurate (5.2%).

Causes
Despite implementing a new procedure to safeguard against late and inaccurate reconciliations, the audit revealed:

• Poor internal controls can lead to late or inaccurate reconciliation.
• Shared responsibilities among different departments make checks difficult. 

Risks
These lapses subject the auditee to the following risks:

• IRS penalties
• client lawsuits
• misappropriated receipts

Recommendations
To avoid IRS penalties, ensure proper appropriation of all funds, promote operational efficiency, and retain clients, management should take these six remedial actions:

1. Centralize reconciliations under the CFO.
2. Create greater redundancy in accuracy checks.
3. Document daily oversight.
4. Submit all reconciliations within 24 hours.
5. Submit all reconciliations with 100% accuracy.
6. Resolve inaccurate reconciliations with the Bank within 30 days.  

Response
Management should respond within five business days with an action plan on these six recommendations. We will conduct a follow-up audit on bank reconciliations within one month.

Although the second draft consumes more space, it is far more readable. Using headings and lists enables easy scanning and greater retention. While the language of either draft may seem identical, the plain language principal of formatting does highlight the narrative better for the reader.  

Writing in Plain Language, Part 2: Paragraph Focus

Well-written paragraphs may suspend the main point for drama and end in a contrary thought for surprise. But these stylistic tricks are not advisable in business writing. Here are before and after examples showing why plain language begins with hitting the high note at the top of the paragraph.

DRAFT 1
Our firm has trained over 10,000 corporate and government employees in project management skills. We have assisted more than 100 companies with some 600 events and projects through planning, coordination, facilitation, and coaching by the most highly rated, credentialed, and experienced consultants in the profession. In essence, we have connected businesses with their clients through a disciplined approach to continuous improvement, saving our clients millions of dollars by efficiently deploying human, capital, and real resources.

Draft 1 needs some work. Even though its sentences are clear, they it focuses on the firm and not its clients. In effect, the most important point from the key reader's perspective, namely, how the reader will benefit from employing the firm, is buried under meaningless data. Draft 2 shows a more effective way to transmit the same information for greater reader interest and retention.  

DRAFT 2
Our firm has saved clients millions of dollars by efficiently deploying human, capital, and real resources by connecting businesses with their clients through a disciplined approach to continuous improvement. We have trained over 10,000 corporate and government employees in project management skills, and we have assisted more than 100 companies with some 600 events and projects through planning, coordination, facilitation, and coaching. Our consultants are the most highly rated, credentialed, and experienced in the profession.

Before choosing sentence structure and vocabulary, we should decide what is the most important information for our readers—and start there.

Writing in Plain Language, Part 1: The Need

Plain language is here to stay. Philosophers and rhetoricians have studied plain language for centuries. Industry and government have tried with varying degrees of success to enact plain language initiatives since at least the early 1970s.

 On October 10, 2010, it became US law when the federal government passed Public Law 111-274, the Plain Writing Act of 2010, “to improve the effectiveness and accountability of Federal agencies to the public by promoting clear Government communication that the public can understand and use.”

Plain language improves clarity for readers regardless of their first language by making English documents easier to translate into other languages. On July 22, 2008, Executive Order 120 required New York City agencies “to provide opportunities for Limited English speakers to communicate and receive services.” On October 6, 2011, Executive Order 26 directed New York State agencies to “to provide language assistance to people of Limited English Proficiency.”

Since plain language is an initiative on federal and local levels of the United States, and because government agencies have been asking me to design plain language instructional programs for their staff, I will devote numerous posts to plain language tips.

BOOK REVIEW: "Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life"

I read Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life years ago, around the time of its 1995 publication, so this belated mini-review—actually, more a reflection—comes as a nod to the author for the lessons learned, not from her writing instructions or her life instructions, but from her writing life instructions.

Lamott might have entered the writing business with a fragile ego, as one editor after another red-inked her manuscripts or made intolerant remarks about her style. But she undoubtedly has the right stuff to share her insights from those inevitable situations regardless of the writer's mastery over content and style. 

If these moments do not toughen your writing skin, as they have Lamott's, you should consider another profession.

WORDS ON THE LINE Celebrates Its Eleventh Anniversary

This post, the 664th of WORDS ON THE LINE, marks the eleventh anniversary of the blog. To celebrate it, I want express my indebtedness to my many clients who have entrusted me to design their courses, train their staff, evaluate their messages, and write or edit their documents.

Advertising
Havas

Banking
Alliance Bernstein
American Express
Citigroup
Credit Suisse First Boston
Galliard Capital Management
Goldman Sachs
Hudson United Bank
Investors Bank
J. P. Morgan Chase
Morgan Stanley
Valley National Bank

Broadcasting
National Public Radio
Public Broadcasting Service
WNET

Consulting
ACE INA
American Management Association
Booz Allen Hamiliton
Deloitte & Touche
Ernst & Young
HACBM
McKinsey & Company
Mitchell & Titus
Monsen Engineering
National Economic Research Associates
New York Society of Security Analysts
Nuclear Energy Institute
Unisys

Consumer
Foot Locker
Supermarkets General
Woolworth

Education
Baltimore City Public Schools
Centenary College
Cornell University
Educational Testing Service
Kean University
Lawrenceville School
LaGuardia Community College
Middlesex County College
New Jersey Center for Advanced Technological Education
New Jersey Institute of Technology
Rutgers University

Entertainment
MTV
National Basketball Association
Time Warner Cable

Food
International Flavors & Fragrances
M&M Mars
Philip Morris

Government
NYC Administration for Children's Services
NYC Department of Citywide Administrative Services
NYC Department of Environmental Protection
NYC Department of Homeless Services
City of San Jose
Sayreville Borough
Sayreville Public Library
U.S. Chemical Safety and Hazard Investigation Board
U.S. Environmental Protection Agency
U.S. Internal Revenue Service
U.S. Social Security Administration

Healthcare
New York Medical College
Visiting Nurse Service of New York

Insurance
1199 National Benefits Fund
Empire Blue Cross Blue Shield
CIGNA
Munich Reinsurance
Met Life
The Principal Group
The Saint Paul
Selective Insurance Company of America

Legal
Association of Legal Administrators
Norris McLaughlin & Marcus, P.A.
Strasburger & Price

Manufacturing
American Standard
Bic
KEMET

Military
US Air Force
US Army
US Navy

Pharmaceutical
Bristol-Myers Squibb
Sanofi
Schering-Plough

Publishing
Council for the Advancement and Support of Education
Dow Jones
Reader’s Digest
Scholastic

Research
Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory
Eagleton Institute

Social Services
The Actor’s Fund
Common Ground Community
Independent Living Association
Lifespire
Mercer County Board of Social Services
Monmouth Association for Retarded Citizens
National Urban League
UNIFEM

Technology
Atlanta Gas Light 

ResourcesDegussa
Honeywell

Microsoft

Telecommunication
AT&T
Lucent Technologies
LSI Logic
Verizon
 

Transportation
Long Island Rail Road
Metro-North Railroad
Metropolitan Transportation Authority

MTA Bridges and Tunnels
New York City Transit
Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority

Phil's Lists, Part 15: Philosophers

Throughout my adult life, I have been an amateur philosopher, meaning I read heavy philosophy lightly, trying to capture glimmers of insight and sparks of inspiration as springboards for sharpening my own intellect and as means for cultivating my writing. This list includes some of my favorite philosophy.

• Mortimer Adler, the philosopher of the Golden Age of television.
• Hannah Arendt, who has a knack for connecting philosophy to everything in human experience.
• Aristotle, especially his Rhetoric and Ethics.
• Albert Camus, one of the most understandable existentialists.
• Rene Descartes, whose discourse was a game changer.
• Martin Heiddeger, whose Dasein advances existential theory.
• Thomas Hobbes, whose clear, practical interpretation of human nature and government still resonate in these troubled times.
• Eric Hoffer, the most accessible, down-to-earth philosopher I know.
• William James, whose pragmatics and psychology put America in the book of great philosophers.
• Immanuel Kant, the creator of the categorical imperative.
• Soren Keirkegaard, most notably Fear and Trembling.
• John Locke, whom many libertarians credit for their political viewpoint.
• Friedrich Nietzsche, whose brilliance extends far beyond Übermensch.
• Plato, whose cave analogy in The Republic is a ground breaker.
• Jean-Jacques Rousseau, whose Social Contract and Emile are must-reads.
• Bertrand Russell, if for nothing else, for his history of Western philosophy.
• Jean-Paul Sartre, in particular Existentialism and Human Emotion.

Phil's Lists, Part 14: Poems

Of the millions of poems in print, I have read only a few thousand. Here are some that have moved me, which means they still move me after a hundred reads. Some I could not find online and some of the links may be broken, but I still urge you to read them. The list will grow as time permits.

1. Acquainted with the Night by Robert Frost
2. After the Dinner Party by Robert Penn Warren
3. Archaic Torso of Apollo by Rainer Maria Rilke
4. Ask Me by William Stafford
5. Because I could not stop for Death by Emily Dickinson
6. Death, Be Not Proud by John Donne
7. Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night by Dylan Thomas
8. Fable of the Water Merchants by Stephen Dunn
9. Forgetfulness by Billy Collins
10. Funeral Blues by W. H. Auden
11. Harlem by Langston Hughes
12. The House on the Hill by Edward Arlington Robinson
13. Howl by Allen Ginsberg
14. I Am a Little Church by e. e. cummings
15. I Am Waiting by Lawrence Ferlinghetti
16. I Knew a Woman by Theodore Roethke
17. I'll tell you how the sun rose by Emily Dickinson
18. If I Could Tell You by W. H. Auden
19. In a Dark Time by Theodore Roethke
20. Ithaka by C. P. Cavafy
21. Last Gods by Galway Kinnell
22. Little Girl Wakes Early by Robert Penn Warren
23. Losses by Grace Schulman
24. Love's Philosophy by Percy Bysshe Shelley
25. The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T. S. Eliot
26. Mad Girl's Love Song by Sylvia Plath
27. Mortal Limit by Robert Penn Warren
28. My Papa's Waltz by Theodore Roethke
29. No Man Is an Island by John Donne
30. O Captain! My Captain! by Walt Whitman
31. Ode: Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood by William Wordsworth
32. Ode to Ironing by Pablo Neruda
33. Ode to a Lemon by Pablo Neruda
34. One Art by Elizabeth Bishop
35. Preludes by T. S. Eliot
36. She Walks in Beauty by Lord Byron
37. Sisters of Mercy by Leonard Cohen
38. somewhere i have never travelled by e. e. cummings
39. Sonnet 18 by William Shakespeare
40. Sonnet 130 by William Shakespeare
41. Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost
42. The Stranger Song by Leonard Cohen
43. A Supermarket in California by Allen Ginsberg
44. Theme for English B by Langston Hughes
45. This quiet dust by Emily Dickinson
46. Touch Me by Stanley Kunitz 
47. Traveling through the Dark by William Stafford
48. Unable are the Loved to die by Emily Dickinson
49. The Waking by Theodore Roethke
50. When One Has Lived a Long Time Alone by Galway Kinnell